Poetry: Unsure

So many years I was dissatisfied
Not sure what I wanted from life
Felt there was nothing I could do
Nothing I could look forward to

But I know now that's just a lie
Something I was telling myself
Just to get by
Held myself back for someone else

Put your shoes on your feet
and walk right out that door
Cause there ain't no need
to feel that way anymore

Take some time for yourself
And put things back together
Put depression on the shelf
Misery shouldn't last forever

Poetry: Arbeit Macht Frei

Patrons to the Nazi work camps were greeted by signs that said "Labour Makes You Free"
I think I hear that same phrase every night on my TV

Have a sit down

Relax

We've got big plans for you
Trust us
We know what's best and right to do

Juden were known by their stamp
So what's really changed today?
Society is a work camp
They don't have to drag us away

Work away your life in their plantation
Rest and turn on their television station
Sedate yourself with drugs and alcohol
Stop thinking, nothing matters at all

Sit idly by among their transgressions
They have their own means of social oppression
On scales of which no one thinks about
Overwhelming, it sets me down and out

Far from you are all life's joys
Far from home, far from your wives
Thousands march without a noise
Work makes you free, believe the lies

Push all those papers in your cubicles
Scared of the boss, nibbling your cuticles
I see a shrew, I see you,
and the rodent things you do

Your experiences are counterfeit.

Note: This is kind of a cerebral post. A lot to sink in, and a lot of information. Links provided for further reading/citations whatever. Have fun and try to get lost in the rabbit hole, then when you get out drop me a line and tell me what you think.

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real, because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun... for a while.

Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, 'Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?' And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, 'Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever. Because this is just a ride.'

And we... kill those people!

'Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family.... This has to be real.'

It's just a ride." - Bill Hicks


I spend most of my free time reading stuff. I'm a curious guy. I've always had this feeling that something wasn't quite right, but due to my limited understanding, I've never been able to properly express it. I still can't really. Coming up with this "article", if you will, even had me stumped at times. But my understanding has grown since I first had this feeling, and has lead me to a point where I think I can get my point across, and maybe somebody else will get what I'm saying or maybe it'll interest them to look into it further for themselves. Or they'll think I'm a kook. And they'd be right but that's besides the point.

As we collectively understand the universe through science, it is an objective universe, as in the physical reality is constant and true outside of and independent of observation, a subjective viewing (that would be us and any other thinking creature.) As an aside, some research can suggest at times that our universe may not be as objective as we think, but it's not exactly mainstream or commonly accepted yet, so keep your eyes peeled. This is a very interesting sector of science that's always changing. I digress, we know that the universe is objective, or mostly objective on the average observable level. Yet, if you know anything about human biology, our interpretation of reality is entirely subjective. Our senses are imperfect. This is a core tenet of most philosophies and generally accepted by most scientists. Objective reality; Subjective viewers.

Just think of your circle of friends. Surely you have friends who view the world entirely different from you. (Chances are I'm that guy.) How can billions of people have vastly different views on such an objective place? Every mind is unique in it's own way. Think of all the religions. Think of all the mental illnesses that affect interpretation of reality. Schizophrenia certainly comes to my mind. Our minds are very, very powerful. (This clip is extremely dramatic, but not far from the truth.)

So what am I trying to tell you? Okay, bear with me, I'm sure you've seen the Matrix. You know how in the movie, they've got the humans hooked up to computers and they've tricked their minds into thinking the Matrix is reality? That's not exactly an unrealistic concept. (Now, technologically you'd probably have a hell of a time trying to get this to work.) But our senses work in such a way that this is within the realm of possibility. Your eyes don't actually see. Your ears don't actually hear. So on and so forth. All they do is gather information. Then that information is given to your brain and interpreted.

Curiously, our brain interprets reality slower than it happens. Which is to say, technically we're about a second behind the present. Literally living in the past. But our conditioning has lead us to deal with this now imperceptible time discrepancy. Not only that, but what our brain remembers is just bits and pieces. It only stores what it thinks is important, leaving out innumerable details and not noticing some altogether. Your mind will trip you up because what it perceives is often what it expects, not what is actually happening.

So in practice, our senses aren't actually that important when compared to the mind. Think about psychedelic drugs for example. People see things. They hear things. They taste things. They smell things. They feel things. But none of it is supposed to be real. But it feels real to them. This is the power of your mind. Think about your dreams. Are they not much the same? It all feels real at that moment in time. One of the greatest points in all of philosophy is known as the dream argument; You're never sure that you're dreaming until you wake up. How do we know that life isn't much the same? Maybe it's all just a dream. It's certainly a hard argument to prove or disprove. So that brings us to the inevitable question. What is real?

(Speaking of dreams and drugs, it appears that the brains of mice produce DMT, giving credence to a long postured theory that our pineal glands produce DMT in our dream cycles and near our deaths. Although the fast manner in which our bodies process DMT has made it very difficult to research the veracity of this theory.)

This all brings to mind René Descartes' "Cogito Ergo Sum" (I think, therefore I am. in latin.) The very act of doubting your existence is proof of your existence. While I don't ascribe to Solipsism strictly, it sure has a good point to it; There really is one thing I can know for sure, that I exist. I cannot know for sure that the things around me, or the other minds I know about actually exist, because I am not those things. Who's to say I'm not plugged into some computer somewhere with information being pumped into me? Or just the thought of a butterfly? Your mind is more of a canvas than the paintbrush.


"It is a good viewpoint to see the world as a dream. When you have something like a nightmare, you will wake up and tell yourself that it was only a dream. It is said that the world we live in is not a bit different from this." - Yamamoto Tsunetomo, Hagakure

Thanksgiving Part Two: The Giving of Thanks

    It's a beautiful Thanksgiving morning here in Nowheresville, VA. Cold, but beautiful. I'd like to take a moment to reflect, and I'm glad you're reading this. I'm not exactly known for being a grateful person, in fact, I'm called an "ungrateful prick" on a pretty regular basis. I guess my dissatisfaction with many things is misinterpreted. It's just a part of my personality, I'm an ISTP with an enneagram of the Reformer with a wing of the Peacemaker. It's just how I'm going to be. Forever.

    But if you read about the enneagram, and how the Reformer with a wing of Peacemaker works, it all makes sense. Nothing is good enough, because things could be better. It's not that I'm ungrateful, it's that I'm disappointed. ISTPs are also precision-oriented people who love to over-examine complex systems.... like society. My brain will get all flubbed up with information and over-processing, so sometimes I might forget to explain that my criticisms are from the approach of "Things could be better; Let's do it." I'm with the seminal hardcore-punk band D.O.A.:

Talk - Action = Zero

    So what am I thankful for? The first thing that comes to mind is something Jello Biafra said in his song Stars and Stripes of Corruption. "I'm thankful I live in a place where I can say the things I do without being taken out and shot; So I'm on guard against the goons trying to take my rights away." And that's really what it's all about. To paraphrase Arlo Guthrie, if you wanna end war and all that stuff, you can't sit down with a shut mouth. You gotta get up and stand up for your rights.

    But I'm also very thankful that I'm alive. I'm glad I'm here. I think even if I don't say it too often, I'm where and when I belong. I just fit right in there. I might complain... a lot. But I really do like this place, it's just easy to get jaded when it seems like so few people are trying. Which is why I try to surround myself as much as possible with people I'm thankful for, my family. And you don't have to be blood to be my family. You know who you are. I'm also thankful I'm a mostly healthy young guy, with not only the ability to work, but the opportunity. Maybe not as often as I would like, but it seems life always drops exactly what I need in my lap. You just can't ask for more.

    I guess you can boil it down to four things; Life, liberty, love, and the pursuit of happiness. I am thankful for all of these aspects of my life. I might not have as big a piece of pie as many or even most people, but I really appreciate what I've got. Because I like me, and all of my experiences, especially the worst of them, have turned me into who I am. To change one aspect, would be to change myself. So I am thankful for my learning experiences, and are there many. Likely many more to come.

    Thanks for lending me your 'digital ear', I hope you found this enjoyable in some way and maybe you reflected on what you're thankful for. In all likelihood you could just find me a preachy numbskull, and I'll take that handle. I hope you have a blessed, joyous, and stress-free day, and hopefully you can see people you love and maybe help out people you don't even know. Just don't go shopping.

Thanksgiving Part One: The Last Major Non-Degenerate Holiday

    I'll be the first to pipe up and say I love holidays. No matter how trivial, it's nice to set a day aside for something. Thanksgiving is a day I champion. It's really not a bad idea, is it? Get together with friends, families, and hell, even a stranger or two and celebrate the fact you're alive and have a meal set before you, along with all the other positive things in your life.

    But in the past few decades there has been a worrying trend; Holidays that promote positive social behaviours, thinking, and traditional values are being hijacked in favour of flat out degeneracy, and if they can't be hijacked they'll be spurned. Give me a moment to pontificate.

    The biggest offender here you can probably guess. The red-and-white striped menace that is Christmas; A social and economic juggernaut. From October 31st to January 5th, you just can't escape Santa's fat ass. And among my small inner-circle, I can't think of any other time of the year that causes as much stress and dread than "the season to be merry." It really is a time of the year I wish I could be like the bears, and just go take a long nap in a cave. It's not because I don't love my family, the traditional values of Christmas, the get-togethers, and all that. It's what it's been turned into.

    Before I go further, I imagine you're probably scratching your head at the word 'degeneracy' and wondering quite what I mean.

Wiktionary defines the word 'degeneracy' as;

    1. The state of being degenerate (in all senses.)

In turn, the definition of 'degenerate' in the way I am using it is defined as;

    1. (of qualities) Having deteriorated, degraded or fallen from normal, coherent, balanced and desirable to undesirable and typically abnormal.

    2. (of a human or system) Having lost good or desirable qualities.

    Okay. So what do I mean, again? Christmas is a traditional American holiday. It's been celebrated since before the United States came into being, and in the Old World before that. It has a long history. But it's always had the same sort of message; Peace on Earth, and good-will to man. And if you're a Christian, it's also a time of reverence to Jesus Christ's birth. Though, the holiday is mostly secular in origin, borrowing much from Solstice celebrations. But whether Jesus is in your bag or not, all can agree it is traditionally a holiday about loving, giving, and peace.

    But what is it today? A consumerist frenzy. They took one of the good qualities of the holiday (giving to others) and blew it out of proportion. Whether intentional or not, the holiday has been corrupted to it's very core. It used to inspire warm feelings inside me. But now, it makes me feel cold and I don't want a thing to do with it. I say, burn down the malls.

    Christmas is fundamentally a different holiday these days, in my opinion. It's really hard to find someone who celebrates it as a time of thanks, remembrance, and positive-intentions. It's fallen into the old Baby Boomer mantra of "Me, me, me.... oh and me, too." Just listen to the music you hear on the radio or in the malls. It's all soulless. My favourite Christmas record? Funky Christmas by James Brown. All the songs are about giving thanks for what you have (no matter how little it may be), God, Jesus Christ' birth, family, love, peace on Earth, good-will to your fellow man, and creating positive change in the world. The only song you could even misconstrue as being consumerist would be 'Santa Claus, Go Straight to the Ghetto' in which James Brown recounts how difficult Christmas can be in the ghetto, something he knew himself growing up.

    So what does this have to do with Thanksgiving, a truly American holiday in origin and spirit? Well, first off, it's whole intent combats degeneracy. There are no more positive human qualities than humility and gratitude. They've tried to make it a holiday of gluttony, to mixed results. But gluttony can only be so socially degenerate.

    So those bastards at Macy's decided that Thanksgiving should mark the beginning of the Christmas season, and it was all down-hill from there. And then came Black Friday. "BUY! BUY! BUY!" I really can't think of anything more degenerate. You know all about Black Friday, so I won't explicate further. But this is how they're attacking Thanksgiving.

    Yes. There is a War on Thanksgiving. Somebody notify Fox News!

    "Black Thursday." Stores opening in the evening on Thanksgiving night. A day meant for family and friends. A day that is depressing and lonely for many Americans across the country, because of what, and who, they don't have. And now, many of these poor folks who have paltry Thanksgiving dinners, sometimes out of a frozen dinner tray, have to put on their uniforms and go into work, just so pricks can get their 80" televisions at 5% off.

    It literally makes me sick to my stomach. Leave Thanksgiving alone. Give people a day off. It's hard to give thanks when you have to deal with thousands of degenerates looking to get one over on the system while the system is kicking back counting up all the dollars.

    I tell you folks, do something to make a positive change in someone's life. It can be something very little, and it can make a big impact on their lives. More than you can probably imagine. Trust me. To someone who has little or nothing, a small act of kindness means so much. I'm sure you will have a meal well into excess this Thursday. Won't you open your doors to someone who might not have that on their own? Or perhaps help someone in some other way in this season. It will mean so much more to you than getting that iPad at $40 off. If I could ask one thing from anyone reading this right now, it's to make that positive change in this world. If you won't do it, who will?

Introspective Solipsist Phony Baloney #1

I forged myself out of a vacuum. I am a human anvil. I am who I am because I chose such. I could have strung along the typical, expected, and instilled path. I chose not to follow it of my own volition, because I didn't like what little it had to offer. This has made my life infinitely more difficult in almost every way, being self-aware I realise the futility of it all. All I truly have is myself; No crutches whether they be drugs or faith or anything else. I guess you could say I'm a solipsist. A unique and disadvantaged disposition. Outcast even among outcasts, but I was always comfortable there. Funnily, I know you don't care, yet I don't care that you don't care. I'm just babbling away to myself. But if you must take anything away from this, it's like Carlin said, remember any cynic is just a disappointed idealist.

Poetry: Generic Self Hate Song in C

NOTE: This one is being turned into a song by my band, FIPHSD.



I can't help but think that life is overrated
and all your accomplishments are overstated
It goes from grey to a colour oversaturated
Your way of life is something I always hated

I try to find meaning and I just don't see it
I've read all the books and I can't believe it
I like some people and the things we create
But overall it's just a world filled with hate

It's always been the humble and noble few
Who have given me any reason to mildew
I don't want to hurt anyone for any reason
So I'll have to wait out the end of my season

Sometimes I just can't stand myself
Sometimes I wanna take it off the shelf
My patience is wearing my patience thin
But it's alright, in a while I'll be okay again

I think what takes the best of us
seems to always hurt the rest of us
I think saying our loving goodbyes
could take us the rest of our lives

I didn't ask for this
You didn't ask for this
We didn't ask for this
Why did we receive this?

I've heard them say life is a gift
But from whom and for what?
Well I'd like to thank whomever
For giving me what I didn't want

Commentary: Fear and Loathing in America

I can demonstrate to you that in almost every single case that one of these guys goes off and shoots a bunch of people there is a common thread of mental illness, social rejection, isolation and ostracization, and use of prescribed pharmaceuticals, such as anti-depressants or anti-psychotics. Yet you never hear about this in the major news media. Maybe because this is actually rather important? You see, the military industrial complex, the banking industrial complex, and the pharmaceutical industrial complex are all intertwined. Even if guns are banned the military has an ace in the hole, because war is never going out of vogue at this rate, and the banks are running the show. However, they need to keep us dumb, shallow, and fearful. How much easier is it to do that than with drugs? They realized long ago that people were catching on to the fact that alcohol, tobacco, and recreational drugs such as cocaine, heroin, and marijuana were so common it was as if someone wanted them there to keep us sedated. They weren't going to get all of us. So what could they do? Prescribe our children drugs. There are some people naive enough to believe that prescription drugs are completely safe just because the doctor gave them to them. We'll just diagnose our kids with ADD, ADHD, etc.... which are rather non-existent diseases for the most part. Hyperactivity is part of being a child, parents today have their heads stuck so far up their asses they don't want to nurture their own kids. "Take two of these and play Call of Duty while I go out on the town." And then they wonder why the kids grow up all fucked up. No one's taking care of them and talking to them on a basic human level. It's all about convenience, "I can give him a pill and he just takes a nap and I can get things done." We're busy shoving our kids into overly-introverted (a little introversion is fine) submissive blank states. Obey. Obey. Obey.

It's really no surprise to me that people end up snapping like this. Have you ever been dropped in a place where maybe you're just a little bit different from everyone else? For some of us, this place was called school. A place where the jocks get patted on the head, and if you don't fit in you're gonna spend the next few years eating your lunch in the bathroom stall and most people think your name is 'Hey, Faggot.' A place where you're supposed to blindly listen to authority figures, no matter how much you might feel they're wrong. And if you ever stand up for yourself, you'll probably just end up with more trouble than you started off with. It might sound hokey, it might sound like a joke, but it's a stark reality for many. For a while, I felt out of place, and I was lucky that people left me alone for the most part. It was still disorienting and tough all it's own, but I eventually mellowed out and found my place. I'm one of the lucky ones. I could have gone to an intolerant shit-hole like Columbine. Let's talk about Dylan and Eric actually. More than any other case, it strikes me ever so much. That could have been me. Why wasn't it me? At the very least we could have been friends. Me and Eric, especially, share a lot of mutual interests, such as Doom and KMFDM. Hell, I bowled in high school too. And I wonder if we had been friends, could things have gone differently? No telling, but it doesn't stop me from wondering. But that's all besides the point. What happens when you take someone who's already got a major disconnect from society and possibly a little bit from reality, and add in full disconnection from reality? I think you know. Listen to any of the side effects for things like Fanapt (which Adam Lanza's uncle claims he was using, I bet we'll never get the truth on that one) or Prozac..... confusion, abnormal dreams, ringing in ears, hyperactive behaviour (which means AHDH medication is getting deployed as well, oh the mixing of drugs!), a bevy of sexual problems (and who are we kidding, no doubt these kids are sexually frustrated already), mania, thoughts of suicide, loss of memory, loss of coordination, mood changes, and get this one "loss of one's own sense of reality or identity." "I am the Joker" indeed.

I'm not saying our gun laws couldn't use some work, and I'm not saying that it's not terrible every time anyone dies. But people always want to go on a witch hunt AFTER the fact. These things happen time and time again as a result of neglected mental illness. People who want to kill people are going to find a way to do it. You can make chlorine gas in your bathroom, which could wipe out an entire classroom. It's so easy to make people severely injure themselves all the time by accident. When are we going to put down our preconceived notions and allow them to live as they are and show them true love and compassion? We need to address the root issue here. We don't love each other. And the media is always there to keep us distracted. Keep us scared of our own brothers and sisters, to the point where we jump at the sight of our own neighbors. What the hell is wrong with us? Humans are inherently good. Life could be so much easier if we stopped listening to the machine.

Introspective: Shaking the hand of a personal hero.

I can remember when I was first introduced to punk rock at about the age of thirteen. I didn't really get it at first, and my friend was a little older than me and had been into it for a while, so he was listening to more out there stuff. But I can somewhat remember the day I turned over. All I know is I heard The Misfits, Black Flag, the Dead Kennedys, and the Sex Pistols. (I would go on to discover GWAR, Ska music, and a pile of other formative, for me, bands shortly thereafter.) This was a whole new thing to me. I was admittedly listening to some very lame things at the time (and some not so lame things I still listen to.) There was a lot of mass produced industry garbage, so this blatant rejection of that was new to me. Something clicked. Initially I was not a huge fan of Black Flag (or the Sex Pistols.) I really liked Keith Morris, but I didn't get Henry Rollins' incarnation of the band.

As I grew older, it started to grow on me (unlike the Sex Pistols, which I just dug one day.) I liked some songs like Rise Above or T.V. Party, but Damaged I or Depression didn't make sense. I was growing up to become (and still am) a very angry, frustratd, disenfranchised, and all around dysfunctional young man. Those of you that know me, know that my life, especially as of recent, has been marked with hardship, misfortune, and some bad choices on my part, which I have admittedly taken in stride. I can honestly say if I hadn't discovered punk rock and it's inherent values in my early teens, I probably wouldn't have garnered the strong self identification I rely on today. Not to say it wasn't in me, but on the path I was on, I don't think I would have found it. This is to say, without finding this strength I didn't know I had, I don't think I'd be here on this planet right now. It might sound melodramatic, but it's true. As life stopped being jellybeans and rainbows, these songs started to make more sense to me. Essentially because I was in a similar position as many punks: Frustrated.

Henry helped to provide this groundwork (as far as music, moreso with Rollins Band than Black Flag as he didn't write most of the lyrics.) I am not claiming to be anywhere near him, but it's his hardline ethics that have inspired me to become a 'better me' by my own definition. It's taking time, but it's time well spent. Patience isn't a bad thing. Recently, a good friend of mine sent me her original copy of one of Henry's early publications, Polio Flesh, which is a compilation of journal entries and poetry. I had just a few weeks earler learned of a new spoken word tour of Henry's, and he was coming to Richmond! I took this as a sign, that I must go meet this man who has become so integral to my very being.

I was broke. I borrowed some money, and booked 70 some miles north east to Richmond in the junk-van. I got there in one piece with healthy doses of Rollins Band. I got inside, and sat down. I was about 30 minutes early. Finally Rollins hit the stage, and he was in good form. He ran from topic to topic smoothly, and things were hilarious at times, interesting or informative at others. This type of thing isn't for everyone, especially since he's not the sort of eloquent political advisor of contemporary Jello Biafra, nor his old poetic self. I enjoyed it thoroughly, however.

After the show, I went out and joined the throng forming in front of what Rollins refers to as the Bon Jovi-Mobile, his tour bus. After about twenty minutes or so, he came out ready to sign, take pictures, and briefly speak with fans. I met a friend I didn't know was also going, and we chatted for a while until it was my turn. I shook Henry's hand and told him I had something kinda cool. He looked sort of surprised to see a copy of Polio Flesh, and remarked he hadn't seen any of those early books in a while. I got a picture with him, and before I departed I thanked him for his line of work, and told him if I had never discovered this whole thing I probably wouldn't be here. In modest fashion, he thanked me back. And that's what I take away from this. Even if we don't think we're giving someone something, everyone is giving someone something, even if it's just gratitude.